If Hollywood 2023 was a movie…

So it’s a two-handed comedy, a sort of king of comedy meets The odd couple — but it’s in 3D, as all movies have been since Avatar: The Way of the Water you made you forget that it’s useless but Avatars.

We open with a crane pulled over a crowded theme park. From the back, we see a man queuing with his four grandchildren, miserable because his Disney Genie + card is stamped “inactive”. We get closer to see it’s former Disney CEO Bob Chapek (pictured Dwayne Johnson). As a Mickey Mouse cast member poses with his grandchildren, a stewed Chapek looks away. His eyes fall on a Steamboat Willie poster. And, for the first time, we see him smile. In 3D !

Chapek drops off his grandkids and then speeds through town, cutting tight corners around detours because all the streets are blocked off for the seven different films shot on the FTX scandal, all starring Jonah Hill.

Finally, Chapek runs on the It Chapter 3 together, where a man makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, heaping them on a table. We see that it is David Zaslav, CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery (returning role of Rick Moranis) who works in craft services to make sure director Andy Muschietti brings the movie under $10 million. It also crosses out all of the script pages about the kid determined to avenge his murdered pup, given all the buzz Dave Chappelle generated for SNL with his opening monologue defending dogfighting.

Chapek tells Zaslav that at midnight on December 31, the copyright expires on Mickey Mouse. And he has a plan to get revenge on Bob Iger. It’s a movie called Mickey Mouse: Wrath of Rodents.

They agree to make the film. The problem is that they need a star. One who, Zaslav insists, works for $35 an hour.

We’ve moved on to the 2023 Oscars, where the Academy’s new president (and owner) Elon Musk hands out all the awards. When announcing Will Smith as Best Actor, Smith — who was banned, then unbanned, then rebanned from the ceremony — instead sent a hologram of Chris Rock to accept the award on his behalf. In 3D ! (Rock decides not to continue.)

Chapek rushes to the Tower Bar, where Smith makes an acceptance speech to drunken tourists. Chapek tries to convince Smith to star in Mickey Mouse: Wrath of Rodentsbut Smith passes, fearing to anger Iger.

Chapek leaves the restaurant, where he then spots Ezra Miller – who has been banned from all restaurants – berating the doorman. Chapek offers Miller a role as a serial killer in Rodent’s Wrath, to help soften Miller’s image. They leave for Zaslav’s house.

As the two executives work with Miller on his role, the producers receive a red flag. Kim Jong Un released a statement welcoming the results of the WGA’s vote: 114% of members agree to strike. And they brought in the DGA and SAG-AFTRA. Miller is out.

Worse still, their marketing plan for the film falls apart when it takes the networks six months to notice that Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers have all quit their jobs. Contract negotiations lock in their replacements, which is tricky since they are all replaced by Kevin Hart, who is only available during meal breaks. And there’s no way Zaslav’s paying the kind of ad rates commanded by She is fantastic in plasticthe nation’s #1 podcast, in which the original cast reviews Small wonder.

Then, in a montage that pays homage to the Judy Garland-Mickey Rooney films, Zaslav and Chapek direct the film themselves. And it is a success! Rodent’s Wrath grosses $7 million, making it the No. 1, non-Avatar theatrical release of the year. Sadly, people love Avenging Mickey so much that he becomes the new Baby Yoda – but since Mickey Mouse is now in the public domain, anyone can use Chapek’s hit character however they want. Iger grabs it and starts merchandising. Disney’s stock rises 30% as it brings the boys to theme parks with Rodent’s Wrath rides and sale of plastic scimitars as wielded by Mickey. Who slices us in 3D!

Iger, thinking Chapek to be a genius, brings him into his office to rehire him as his successor. Until Iger got an alert on his phone. We disappear on Iger’s iPhone, which displays a poll showing Biden trailing Ron DeSantis by 15 points.

Lines of your future

THR asked the creatives to quickly come up with an idea for a movie set in the not-too-distant industry (the fact that they’re all so dystopian wasn’t part of the brief…but is telling)

Damon Lindeloff

Writer-producer (Watchmen, The Leftovers)

A reality TV show that is a mix of The White Lotus (because he is aware of himself) and the island of love (because sex) where all the entertainment CEOs get drunk and flirt with each other until they all hook up and team up in new mega-conglomerates like DisFlix and AppleCast.

Patton Oswalt

Actor-comedian

A Dr Strangelove-style limited series about a collapsing streamer announcing a “reboot” of a franchise that never was and using existing social media (Twitter, YouTube, Insta) to start planting “clips” of the franchise (a supernatural horror-action comedy) into the mass mind, creating a general “false memory” of this beloved property before unveiling its shiny new reboot. The problem is, they’re doing such a good job of “memorizing” this false memory in people’s brains that it’s triggering a mass Mandela effect, and American society is starting to doubt recent history, leading to an apocalyptic crisis.

Aisha Tyler

Actress-comedian-director

In this absurd sci-fi buddy game, the online personalities of Kanye West and Elon Musk merge into a self-reverent Skynet, but their prideful fantasies of world domination are dramatically thwarted when an entity of more powerful AI with Ali Wong’s consciousness blocks them. Raya.

jason batman

Actor-director-podcaster

In this Red Dawn meets Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid buddy comedy, the talent guilds unite in a strike for better rates in the booming virtual reality and Bryan Lourd and Ari Emanuel fly to the Sun Valley conference for high-profile disruptions on their counterparts Big Tech.

Michael Green

Screenwriter (Death on the Nile, Blade Runner 2049)

In this fish out of water comedy titled Come from Atlaya small Colorado farming town instantly becomes home to Hollywood’s most eccentric personalities after every production leaves Georgia due to its dangerous reproductive health laws.

Marvin Lemus

Director-showrunner (Gentefied)

A madmax meets hellraiser dystopian sci-fi where Elon Musk buys Netflix because they canceled Wednesday after its second season. Elon then greenlights no less than 24 scripted series and docuseries explaining how Twitter’s demise wasn’t his fault.

Samantha Irby

Comedian-writer (and just like that)

The Pirates meets before sunrise meets Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Two-handed on a couple of computer nerds who may or may not fall in love saving all the beloved shows that were unceremoniously zapped from streaming services and burning them to DVDs before dropping them in mailboxes of random people under cover of night. Obviously, the big bosses of the networks want to hunt them down and break their fingers. Will they be caught before they have the chance to dare themselves atop a pile of abandoned episodes of Westworld??? You have to watch to find out!

Rodney Rothman

Screenwriter (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)

In this suspense thriller titled Untitled tax write-offa movie star (Mark Wahlberg) has 119 minutes to get MrBeast to agree to co-star with him or his new boss will cancel the release of Untitled tax write-off.

This story first appeared in the December 16 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. Click here to subscribe.